Saturday, May 31, 2008

Exciting New Management Theories

There are exotic new management programs coming your way.  We feel compelled to tell you about them so that you will be on the ground floor.  These theories come from graduate schools which are later refined by Management Consulting Firms. 

As soon as you hear that your managers are attending a new training program you must get yourself ready for what they bring back to you. For the moment though we will let you know what programs are under consideration.

They will be introduced with the words: "Management by.....":

  • Abrasion: Employees will wear down and do what you tell them 
  • Accident:  The emphasis will be on reaction rather than action
  • Conjecture: Inferences will be based upon incomplete evidence. (What management has learned from the war.)
  • Damage Control: New procedures introduced by our Accounting Department
  • Entrapment: Reducing employee benefits on a gradual basis
  • Euphemism: The substitution of mild terms for all actions, e.g. wellness enhancement
  • Exception: Will concentrate efforts on finding things that don't work (coordinated with existing program of assessing blame)
  • Hierarchy:  Re-acquainting employees with higher management by use of pictures on playing  cards
  • Hysteria: A new focus on the value of shredders
  • Make Believe:  A new spin on last quarter results
  • Pittance:  The introduction of new pay scales
  • Retrenchment: Multi-tasking with a new name
  • Spot Check:  A new quality inspection program adapted from the dry-cleaning industry
  • Surprise: A new program featuring  listening to employees

We fear that we have not listed all the programs that are on the way.  We need your help in keeping up to date.  If, for example, you see a large shipment of new binders for management send us an email.  (fahlman.clyde@gmail.com)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Laughter and Health

Hippocrates,   father of medicine, insisted that medical students give full weight  to the emotions, both as a contributing cause of disease as well as a factor in recovery.

Medical researchers at many medical centers have been studying the effects of laughter on the human body and have discovered a wide array of beneficial changes, all the way from enhanced respiration to increases in the number of disease fighting immune cells.

Jane Brody, personal health column writer for the New York Times reports that laughter's impact on cardiovascular and respiratory functions are of particular note:

"When one is laughing hard, normal breathing rhythm is disrupted.  Inhalation and expiration become more spasmodic as well as deeper. Heart rate, blood pressure, and muscular tension increase, but when laughter subsides, these levels often drop temporarily to below normal, leaving one very relaxed. Hence the expression 'weak with laughter' to describe someone who has laughed hard and long.

The sense of relaxation lasts about 45 minutes after the last laugh and may be beneficial in countering heart disease, high blood pressure and depression. Given these benefits, proponents of laughter therapy jokingly call it ho-ho-holistic medicine."

So the next time your boss remarks about "too much laughter around here" advise her that you are trying to save the company money on health benefits.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Dress Code---HR at work?

Gina, a humor in the workplace student, presents this memo based upon an actual discussion with HR:

"We would like to encourage everyone to dress according to their salary.

If we see you wearing very expensive shoes from well known designers or, for example, sporting a Louis Vuitton purse we will have to assume that you are financially well off and that you don't need a salary raise.

On the other hand, if you dress poorly, we will understand that you are having problems managing your money and need to learn how to manage it better and to avoid stressing you more, we won't increase your salary either

Finally, wearing average clothing will mean to us that you are working at the right place with no necessity of a better salary."

Once again we note that a logic deficiency does not preclude employment in HR.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Perfume Wars Resolution

It has come to our attention  that many women in the office are preoccupied with the wearing of perfume at work----some have gone so far as to declare it as perfume wars.

The odd piece of this controversy is that no men seem to be involved----management has yet to hear any complaints from men.

There has been some speculation as to why this might be the case.

  1. Women have a better sense of smell.  (After extensive studies using various cheeses there is no noticeable difference.)
  2. Women who wear perfume are perceived as being more immoral than those who do not. (There is no evidence---even anecdotal----that this is case. Our managers have made a concerted effort to determine if this is the case.)
  3. The charge has been made that perfume hinders communication----the smell permeates cubicles precluding visitation by others. (Our studies show that there has been no decrease in communication---emails are at an all time high.)
  4. Women who wear perfume have been said to have an unfair advantage in attracting men.  When asked if this is the case men unanimously said "Huh?"
Regardless of the rationale here this appears to be a serious problem that requires resolution.
In this effort we have appointed an all male committee to study the question for a year.  

By no means do we presume to prejudge their findings but because of their objective look at the problem don't be surprised if they come up with a list of acceptable perfumes----based upon their names and bottle shapes (the normal criteria men use in selecting perfumes for women.)


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Handling Exit Interviews!

Let's imagine for a moment that you lost your job because of layoffs, re-structuring, the boss's spouse, or for no reason at all.

Your organization may have exit interviews. (You can check this out in something called a HR handbook. HR means Human Reductions.) If they do you can restore your self esteem quickly.

Try these possibilities:

  • I'm glad it happened. Now I can concentrate on selling my poetry.
  • The hours of work didn't work out with my boyfriend.
  • The office was stuffy and the view was not good.
  • No eligible men
  • My live-in moved out so my expenses went down
  • I want to work someplace where I don't make so much money
  • I'm going to win the lottery this summer
  • My supervisor expected me to work even when it was inconvenient for me
  • I didn't want to stay here so long that it would be possible for me to file an age discrimination suit
  • I didn't have time to make entries in my diary
  • I got a rash every time I got within ten feet of another employee---she was my supervisor
(Excerpt from Laughing Nine to Five)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Keeping Employees Youthful Memo

We are always on the lookout for projects that will enhance our attractiveness to customers and stockholders. It would seem that considering employee benefits in the same breath would be counterproductive.  

This is absolutely not the case. What's good for customers and stockholders is good for employees as well.  But this is more than a trickle down theory.

In a recent marketing survey we have learned that customers respond very well to employees who are active, cheerful, and youthful.  This is supported by responses from stockholders to company reports featuring pictures of our youthful employees, smiling as they do their work.

This would seem to be a solid argument for hiring only the young in our business. We do that. But even new employees get old over a period of time.

So we have taken a solid look at our benefits package. It has been surmised that we could offer early retirements to older employees. This is out of the question. It would be much too expensive.

Brainstorming the problem has led us to a benefit package enhancement:  After a $100 deductible, all employees over 40 will have free botox injections. 

It is the well considered judgement of management that this will insure our corporate vitality.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

New Memo from OPEC

To Cartel Members:

Please don't forget that we are in business to make money
We are fully aware that the price per barrel of oil decreased several dollars recently. We urge you to not decrease production to make up for it.  This would create a public relations problem for us-- particularly with the United States. (This we know is not a normal concern but there are politicians in Washington who unrealistically are demanding we actually increase production.)
Here is our recommendation. Wait until summer. This is when US congress plans to reduce gasoline taxes for three months. At that time we can reduce production and again increase the price per barrel. To consumers there won't be any changes in prices but the blame will naturally fall on the failure to open oil fields in Alaska.
At the end of the summer we won't need to worry about oil prices rising because they will be blamed upon the resumption of the gas tax.  And by that time congressmen will be working on short term matters to get elected. 
We feel confident with this strategy we will continue to keep everyone over a barrel.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A Crummy Place to Work?

If you have work humor like the satirical piece that follows  your organization is in real trouble. Quit. (Note that I have not identified the organization. I can tell you that a copy could be found in every copy machine in the business.)

EMPLOYEE SALE: That's right friends. You heard it here first. It will cost us too much to lay them off so WE'RE SELLING THEM.

We must get down to our new one employee per business unit goal, and you can help us. All races, creeds, colors, religions, sexes, and sexual orientations available.

YOU SAY YOU WANT NEW?  We've got 'em. Employees with low mileage---high performance and a lot of years left.

YOU SAY YOU WANT OLD RELIABLES? We've got 'em. The paint is a little gray and they grumble a little but they've seen it all and keep on working.

We've been laying these employees off for years and losing all that severance pay. Now you can help us make a little money in the process.

So come one, come all to the first annual employee sale. (Buy two and get a free IPOD)

Friday, May 9, 2008

A Course Called Humor in the Workplace?

There are more standup comics then there have ever been. People actually make a living as humor consultants. College courses in humor have made humorology a legitimate, almost respectable, field of study. Paradoxically, in the world of work, less humor exists.

Where has the humor gone? It existed once. It was not a scarce resource. Humor and laughter has trickled to nothing or gone underground in the last two decades. Why the change? Here are the answers from the workplace---participants in management classes and workshops:

(1)There isn't much to laugh about in many organizations. The job security issue is real. The threat or actuality of layoffs, downsizing, and/or outsourcing permeates. Although one can be amused at CEO salaries, which are nearly 300 times average employee salaries, there just aren't a lot of belly laughs there.

(2)Many managers have returned to the sweatshop mentality. "Humor and laughter are not productive" they say, ignoring all evidence to the contrary. This philosophy has always existed, but now with with today's spin--the global economy ---it is retuning as the default management style.

(3)There exists an element of political correctness that has made all humor suspect. Undeniability there are inappropriate types of humor in the workplace that are based upon the disparagement of others---gender, race, ethnic, and religion just to name a few. In those areas as well as others, the use of humor to hurt others is not appropriate anywhere. This being said, however, it appears that people are discarding the natural situational humor as well as the harmful.

This sounds desperate.

It is.
,
Hence the reason I teach a course on humor and laughter and have written a book on the subject. I promise you, however, in this blog that I will peddle humor and laughter and maybe some satire from time to time but not my book. Cheers and jest wishes.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Situational Humor?

What makes you laugh?

Normally situational humor.....something spontaneous.....It may not be funny in the telling to someone not there. The following might be an exception:

John Maxwell, author of the 360 Leader, tells this story:

"I love the story of Karl who enjoyed a good laugh at his office after he attached a small sign to his door which read: "i'm the Boss."

The laughter was even louder when he returned from lunch and saw that someone had made an addition to his sign. Next to it was a yellow Post-it note on which someone had scribbled: "Your wife called and said she wants her sign back."


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