Saturday, August 30, 2008

Why the Corporate Chicken Crossed The Road

A compilation of answers from one of my humor classes:

  • To check on the stock market
  • Couldn't make it up the corporate ladder
  • To become a turkey
  • I never seem to get the right answer to these questions
  • Intel required it on the specs
  • To get to the higher ground
  • So she could cross the road again
  • The Colonel was on this side
  • To get chicken feed (money?) on the other side
  • She was walking at lunch with her girl friends and they were in the crosswalk
  • To get away from the corporate wolf
  • Because the possum said it could not be done

Thursday, August 21, 2008

This Lady is Funny

The following extraordinarily funny piece was submitted by a humor workshop participant:

"My crazy family. How can you not laugh?

If we weren't laughing we would either be crying or locked up with the men in the white coats. Almost every day I am in touch with one of my four sisters, mom, and dad. And almost everyday, we are laughing about something. It might be a quick three second call to say one word, triggering an inside joke, such as "toe pick" or remembering about the time a sister who worked for the airlines for 10 plus years getting on a wrong plane to a wrong city (just weeks ago) or a sister who freaked out because the water wouldn't drain in the bathtub. (Later she found out it was because the plug was up.)

Because of how I was raised and how I see things-glass always half full with a hole on the side-people are drawn to me because of the humor. While working or in a class, I observe the people I am around. While I do learn their names, I pick up on little things they do or say, and give them nicknames in my head so it is easier to remember them. In one recent class there was a girl I called, 'The Like Factor.' In one 30 second commentary she made in the class, she said 'like'
14 times. There was another girl who was named Christy Brinkley so she was nicknamed 'The Brinkster.'

In a previous job, I was an operator for a large department store. Just before we opened one day I received a call from a sales associate on the floor who needed housekeeping. Housekeeping wasn't in yet so I asked how I could help. She spoke with more self control then I've ever seen,'I have a customer who lost her dog's glass eye yesterday and was wondering if housekeeping had vacuumed it up.' The following day, that associate received from an anonymous co-worker, a bag of shooter marbles.

My joker grandfather's favorite song was Opus 5, a wonderful swing song he enjoyed dancing to. He always joked that we would know if he was really dead by playing the song at his funeral and if his body didn't move, he was gone. So naturally, at his funeral, that story was told and the song was played. Over 500 sets of eyes stared intently at the casket, as we truly realized he was gone from this life.

It's no worse then my great aunt wanting to exhume her mother's body (who had been dead for 40 years) to see if the bracelet she was buried with was worth any money. Sick, yes. Sad? Could be...... if we didn't laugh."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Summer Vacations

In view of concerns about the price of gasoline we know that you many not be taking an out of town vacation this summer.  We have the deepest empathy and have thought long and hard about what the corporation could do to ease the burden.

As you are aware our busiest time is summer.  To have people on vacation causes us extra expense.  We have to hire temporary people to replace those on vacation.

Here's what we propose: Take your vacation during the winter months.  This would be an attractive time to learn how to snowboard.

Here is an additional incentive: We will not pay medical expenses for any accidents that occur during the summer. (Our records show that most accident occur in the summer while people are on vacation.)

Regardless of your  decision  we will continue to send a week's supply of candy kisses to you during your vacation to sustain the chocolate energy required when you  return to work.  (Remember that you have to pay the postage.)




Monday, August 11, 2008

Scheduled Outage

From time to time we schedule outages to work on system computers, programs, and our voice systems.  Contrary to some views it is not personal.

These are scheduled to bring our systems up to date, introduce new hardware and software, and perform routine maintenance......and of course to prevent future unscheduled outages.

Although it is not always apparent the phenomenon of system fatigue is real. We have scheduled one for 4 o'clock this afternoon. 

It has been cancelled.

Instead employees are encouraged to be creative---to think of what you would do without the systems.  To facilitate thinking outside the cubicle you are encouraged to meet in the company parking lot for beer and barbecue.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Selling Your Cubicle!

Does this sound absurd? Of course it isn't if you want to get ahead in your organization. You may want to be located close to the boss's office so that you can be seen and admired. This will necessitate selling your cubicle. In your flyer here are some selling points:

  • Great view with window across the room
  • Roomy
  • Close to rest room
  • Close to the water fountain
  • Completely furnished---minimal theft to date
  • Close to fire escape
  • Cartoons on the wall
  • One touch keyboard
  • Good neighborhood
  • Great design (good looking well built girl next door; hunk on the other wall)
  • Has sub-prime loan

Have to see to appreciate. This won't last long.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Vista Coming!!

We are pleased to announce that we will be purchasing Vista Computers for the campus this fall. Because of budget restrictions, however, we will only be able to purchase about 25 per cent of our needs.

The first new computers will be assigned to the library and the Business department. Within a four year period we hope to be able to change out all the computers. The Art and Music Departments are scheduled for the 2012-2013 school year.

We are excited about the potential this will give us. In the transition there will be some problems but nothing that we cannot overcome.

First of all faculty and students will have to be very conscious of where they are sending attachments. If, for example, word attachments are going to non-Vista destinations they will have to be saved as non-Vista documents.

Part of this problem will be handled by counsellors. Most freshman will be coming to campus with new Vista computers. Counsellors will make every effort to have freshman students major in business administration to minimize the word document problem. Faculty facing this problem will be able to use one of the two new computers in the library.

In a related matter involving words, all computer users on campus are discouraged from participating in the Scrabble or Scrabulous games on the Internet. Our campus dictionary network is heavily challenged.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Mistakes of the Tongue (Organization Malapropisms)

His boss is a benevolent pictator.

All of our executives have emotional indulgence.

Ford employees are motorvated.

Engineers are particularly good at mathematics, particularly division and manipulation.

Team meetings build elaboration.

Earnings projections are geared to bottom lying

Auditors examine lie abilities on expense vouchers.

CEOS get golden parachutes with shock options

We have quality patrol people in our plant.

Who molded the cheese?

As the first female corporate executive she was taken at facial value.

One can also communicate with body anguish.

We have management by stalking around.

Our department head has never had any difficulty in making derisions.