Holiday Stress

You need help during the holidays to avoid stress. Here are a few suggestions:

• On buffet day come in as a light bulb and show people you are enlightened.
• For the office candy dish give public recognition to those who bring in chocolate instead of the hard stuff
• Break down a door somewhere; Walmart set the precedent
• List the url for that famous book: "Laughing Nine to Five" in your favorites; prove you are not mean spirited
• If they find you dozing in front of your computer tell them that this is the moral way to sleep your way to the top
• Put red and blue tape around your cubicle to let everyone know the election is over
• Put yellow tape around the cubicle as a signal that you are willing to work for the government when you leave where you are.
• Tell them you know how to fix bridges (you slept under them)
• Again to the office buffet: Bring in lutefisk or sushi soaked in lye; next time you will only be asked to bring olives or potato chips.

Management Memo: Holiday Turkeys

We regret that we will not be able to buy turkeys or hams for employees this year. We were sure that we had enough money in the budget after the healthy reduction in employees this year.

In fact we had already purchased turkeys which are now in cold storeage. However, our corporate attorneys strongly recommended that we do not distribute them, suggesting that since we would be cutting benefits across the board prior to the beginning of the year it would be sending a false message of affluence.

However, all is not lost. We are donating the turkeys to our company cafeterias and offering lunch time turkey dinners at reduced prices. Retired employees are asked to secure a pass from security to take advantage of this offer.

Christmas Sales Story

Take her outside and pants her? What? We always look forward to the holidays so we can ublish this Christmas story from Carol, one of our humor workshop participants:

"After years of conflict between the outside and inside sales force, emotions hit a crisis point one snowy day in the middle of December. The manager gathered the mixed force in a small, heavily windowed conference room The discussion heated up the room like no climate control thus known.

Passions boiled over when an inside rep accused outside reps doing their Christmas shopping on company time.

The room grew silent after several sharp intakes of breath. Outside sales reps unleashed their sales claws while sales fangs bared themselves behind nervous quivering lips. This was room of sales animals ready to pounce with sales adrenaline running on high, primed for a kill.

The manager in charge of the meeting teetered on the knife's edge of an ugly explosion of defensive anger, a possible homicide, and her managerial concern to keep the room under control. Fine, upstanding career professionals had been acccused of the worst transgression known to their trade, i.e. squandering precious sales time on selfish acts of shopping. The outside reps meant to set the record straight at any expense.

Unknown to many in the room, behind the cool professional and pristine demeanor of their manager, lurked a prankster somewhere near the level of a sorority sister. In unladylike fashion, the manager led the charge, 'Take her out and pants her.'

The room erupted with laughter as each person looked outside at the heavy dusting of snow and imagined the well deserved feel of ice on a bare butt. Sure, some left in a huff, some just shaking their heads, and one or two made a note to themselves to be more careful next Christmas.

With a little humor the manager expressed how seriously she took the accusation---not very---and she diffused the highly charged anger that threatened the good work she was trying to accomplish by combining the staff."

Excerpt from Laughing Nine to Five.

Christmas Letter

We are sendi ng you this Christmas email as a much better substitute for the Christmas cards we have sent you in the past.

We know that the term "Christmas Letter" may be inappropriate, particularly for a sophisticated HR organization like ourselves.

With this in mind, please note that we really only intended to extend to you and your employees our warmest, heartfelt Season's Greetings.

If you choose to send cards back to us be sure they do not say: Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.

It is our hope that we will eventually be able to encourage Good Will toward Women as well.

Election Excitement!

This is an exciting day. As some have said it is a historical election.

It is an exciting day here at Algamated as well.

First we understand that there have been some difficulties in voting. Apparently some voter machines are not working. Also many voters have been unable to vote because they have been challenged because of wrong signatures, identification problems, etc.

For various reasons there are long lines out there.

Lots of organizations have talked about doing something. We at Algamated are doing something. All employees will be given time off to vote today up to two hours. Republicans will be given four hours.

Office Terminology

Blame Storming: The process of a group blaming someone for a missed due date---normally the department not present

Chainsaw Consultant: The outside expert that recommends massive layoffs to pay for his fee.

Career Limiting Move: Trashing your boss who is sitting in on the conference call---in another office

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles that will be eliminated in the bankruptcy.

Dilberted: A cubicle dweller with no obvious support of his boss.

Credit Risk: Banks with collateral damage

Percussive Problem: A person with a hearing loss banging on a computer

Ohnosecond: The loss of a manuscript in the computer by the action of one key

Prairie Dogging: The art of hiding in the kneewell when a loud noise (the boss) is near

Photocopy Felony: Being caught taking pictures of various parts of the anatomy

Global Warming: The selling of derivatives for hot mortgages

Your life filled with absurdities?

From the excellent book: The Healing Power of Humor by Allen Klein

"Your life is filled with absurdies. Look for them; they are laughable. One of the easiest places to find these is in your mistakes, those bloopers that are an inevitable by-product of being human.
Here are some examples:

(From student tests)

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars

To be a good nurse you have to be absolutely sterile

(From letters parents wrote to teachers)

My son is under doctor's care and should not take fiscal ed. Please execute him

Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels

(From a letter received by a county department)

I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born."

Exaggeration Exercise?

Yes. You can have fun expanding a "truth" about yourself. Here are a few examples from my humor class:

• I talk to myself all day while driving and tell myself jokes and laugh. Other drivers think I'm crazy. They may be right.
• In the morning I take 20 minutes getting my hat ready to put on my head, take the cleanest clothes out of the dirty mess on the floor. On the way to work I yell at other drivers. At the end of the day I go home and talk for hours with my best friend: The television.
• I am technical. If someone asks for the time I tell them it is 4:42 not a quarter to five. If someone asks me what I did I tell them---precisely what time I did it and where. My boy friend doesn't understand this----particularly when I report things like precisely what color shirt my waiter was wearing at lunch.
• I need to decorate space. Bows and flowers, pillows, and knickknacks. I dream about Ethan Allen. I can't think straight when there is an unpainted white wall.
• I have a love of olives: black, green, and stuffed with anything. Sometimes I bounce them off my children's forehead. At my bachelor's party we stomped them into the floor when we missed tossing them into a ring.
• I talk with my hands more than my mouth. Sometimes I can't figure out why people around me keep flinching and ducking. Then suddenly I realize they're trying to avoid possible serious injury.
• Most of the time I get this overwhelming feeling that I am boring. I have the feeling that when I say something to someone they will turn to someone else and speak as if I hadn't said anything. It's ridiculous, particularly when I determine that I didn't say anything to anyone.
• I blow my nose and I leave my Kleenex in my nostrils. It keeps my nose warm. It keep the air warm that I breathe. I look at myself in the mirror and think I wouldn't want anyone else to see this.
• I have a cowlick that pops up every time I touch it. It has a mind of its own. My girl friend makes it a habit to touch it. I could weld it down and it it would still pop up.

Prime Qualifications for Work?

Here's a list from Humor Workshop participants:

• Low enthusiasm
• Willing to work long hours for little pay and to feel good about it
• Ability to smile
• Ability to use ears, eyes, and voice for long hours
• Showing up/able to entertain self
• Able to count to ten
• To be small minded, judgmental and have boring taste in clothes
• Be able to write like a doctor and speak with a heavy accent (any country)
• Can read manuals
• Know something about cars and oil
• Strong back, willingness to work hard, get filthy, and be abused for as little money as possible
• Being able to ignore the department next door
• High stress tolerance
• Must be related to another employee in some form or another

Your Childs's View of Work

What do you think a child's view of your work might be? Your children? The child in you?
Here are some possibilities:

• I want to go to work and play computer games all day like they do
• She sits at a desk with a putter and talks on the phone and runs around all over
• My daddy works in a tall building. They don't let him out until after my bedtime
• They bring work home at night and put sheets of paper in piles
• They hate something called the boss. I think it has something to do with white and brown cows
• They have chairs with wheels on them
• Their computers must be bad drivers because they crash
• They must have a lot of timeouts at work
• When I call them at work they whisper so I can't hear them
• I don't think they would have much to say at show and tell
• All they do at recess is drink coffee
• I like Saturdays because mom takes me to where she works and I can take pictures of my hands
• Someday I'm going to work with my daddy to see the clowns he works with
• I wish my mon wouldn't bring so much work home. Couldn't they just put her into a slower learning group?
• Did you know my mommy works for a witch?

Excerpt from Laughing Nine to Five

CEO Feedback

There is increasing evidence that the nation's executives are upset with the increasing agitation being voiced in the house and senate about executive salaries, bonuses, parachutes, and other perks that CEOs are receiving.

One CEO, who wished to remain anonymous, said "We have been scapegoated for all the problems in the economy. It is definitely not our fault that government regulation of our business has been diminished. Certainly the SEC is to blame for much of what has happened. For example, their requirement that executive benefits be limited to less than $10,000 was indeed micro management at its worst."

As a result of this ruling companies are reducing the perks for executives. For example, there has been a significant reduction in the payment of country club fees. This is particularly devastating because most senior executives work their way up in corporations by networking while playing golf or tennis.

CEOS appear to me the most upset about losing the personal financial advising benefit---a reduction of 74 % to 62 % in the past year in the Fortune 100 companies. They argue that this perk is of value in running their organizations. There could be some truth here. The Dow Jones average dropped 770 points on September 29th.

Safety First!

One of the most important tasks in our organization is to do our various jobs safely. Our safety record here has been less than adequate to say the least.

So here is what we plan to do in the future. We are establishing an incentive plan to encourage employees to be safe. Here is how the plan works: If we have no accidents for the next three months a lottery will be established for employees.

Winners will be entitled to choices of weekend trips, a set of golf clubs, and/or matching luggage.

Not only will this improve our safety performance, but it should discourage reporting trivial type accidents that really stretch the concept of what is an accident.

Of course real accidents should be reported. The company pledges to not terminate any employee who raises a safety concern.

"The Levity Effect"

Here are excerpts of a review found at Economist.com of "The Levity Effect" by Adrian Gostick and Scott Christopher:

"The Levity Effect" argues for lightening things up with such earnestness that it would pass for a spoof by the writers of 'The Office', a wonderful sitcom that revolves around a boss's excruciatingly awkward attempts at jocular banter with the staff. Indeed one of the book's 142 ways to have fun at work is to hold a marathon of 'The Office' at the office. Gather everyone to watch the best episodes of NBC's hit show during lunch for a week.

A remarkable amount of evidence supports the argument that levity pays. 'Fun at Work', Messrs Gostick and Christopher explain, 'can provide a competitive advantage, help attract and retain employees, and provide the spark to jump start creativity.' A fun workplace improves communication and morale, raises the level of employee trust, lowers employee turnover and increases profits.

Fun firms use a wide range of humor strategies. Intuit has a 'fun committee' that organises events such as potluck breakfasts and jeapordy games. AstraZeneca has a 'fun department' that brings 'funsters' to the firm to sing, distribute toys and tell jokes.

Another firm, which list fun among its core values, hands-out "Walk the Talk' awards, a set of wind-up chattering teeth presented by the chief executive accompanied by a kazoo band. KPMG, an accounting firm, holds online contest for staff (with great prizes) and gives away barbecue packs.

The best bet may be to hire people with a sense of humor. That was the philosophy of Herb Kelleher, the legendary boss of Southwest Airlines, an airline that is actually a pleasure to fly. One of this staff delivers one of the better and curiously timely lines in the book, 'We're sorry for the delay, but our automated bag smasher is broken and we are having to break your bags by hand.'"

Workers Retiring in Stages?

A new study by Hewitt Associates found 61 % of U.S. companies have or will develop programs that let workers retire in stages.

Retaining worker experience and skills was cited as the most important reason for offering such programs by 72 % of the companies. Only 5 % of such programs are formalized.

When asked about the plans at Amalgamated Manufacturing, President Claude Perkins said, "We have mixed feelings about the subject. There is considerable evidence that long term employees have already retired on the job."

He was made aware of a study by Employee Benefit Research suggesting that flexible work arrangements, a bump in pay, or even more meaningful work could persuade workers to delay retirement.

Perkins commented, "Flexible hours for older employees would cause longer hours for supervision. More pay would further reduce productivity and more meaningful work would set an unfortunate precedent. Younger employees would question why they had to wait for these opportunities and, at the same time, carry old age workers."

New Rest Room Procedure

To: All Employees

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest rooms under informal guidelines. Effective the beginning of next month, a Rest Room Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's rest room times and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "RESTROOM TRIP BANK (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a REST ROOM TRIP CREDIT (RTC) of twenty. Rest room credits can be accumulated from month to month.

Starting next month, the entrance of all rest rooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of this month, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to the System Operator. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive, for the first month; employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If an employee's REST ROOM TRIP BANK balance reaches zero, the doors of the rest room will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all rest room stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located outside the cafeteria. This is being done to eliminate "dilly-dallying" in the rest rooms. Any one whose picture shows up three times will immediately be terminated.

One final caution: this system will always work if you go the rest room where you have been assigned. We cannot guarantee that your voice print will work in other rest rooms in the building, and we suggest you not test it---particularly if the urge is pressing.

If you have any questions about the new policy, please ask your supervisor.

(There are some who think that this widely circulated memo is totally acceptable. Why? It could be that it sounds too authentic. When it has been read in jest to some work groups there are people who really believe it. After all, "It sounds a lot like the other memos we get around here.")

Excerpt from the book: "Laughing Nine to Five"

More Evidence

Lynn, a humor in the workplace student offers more input on the value of laughter and humor at work:

"Business executives have long known that satisfied employees are more productive. Unfortunately it has taken a long time for them to realize that lightening up is one of the easiest ways to create satisfaction.  Humor builds employee morale and decreases employee burnout rates. It helps us clear our heads and entertain ourselves and our co-workers. It makes hard tasks easier and actually creates an environment conducive to success.

Professor Stu Robertshaw of the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse claims that laughter is good for business.  Robertshaw noted that one corporate study showed that after a trial period during which humor was incorporated into the workplace in a variety of ways---including everything from a special humor bulletin board to silly hat days---the company experienced a 21 % decrease in staff turnover and a 38 % decrease in Friday absenteeism. "

Why the Corporate Chicken Crossed The Road

A compilation of answers from one of my humor classes:

• To check on the stock market
• Couldn't make it up the corporate ladder
• To become a turkey
• I never seem to get the right answer to these questions
• Intel required it on the specs
• To get to the higher ground
• So she could cross the road again
• The Colonel was on this side
• To get chicken feed (money?) on the other side
• She was walking at lunch with her girl friends and they were in the crosswalk
• To get away from the corporate wolf
• Because the possum said it could not be done

This Lady is Funny

The following extraordinarily funny piece was submitted by a humor workshop participant:

"My crazy family. How can you not laugh?

If we weren't laughing we would either be crying or locked up with the men in the white coats. Almost every day I am in touch with one of my four sisters, mom, and dad. And almost everyday, we are laughing about something. It might be a quick three second call to say one word, triggering an inside joke, such as "toe pick" or remembering about the time a sister who worked for the airlines for 10 plus years getting on a wrong plane to a wrong city (just weeks ago) or a sister who freaked out because the water wouldn't drain in the bathtub. (Later she found out it was because the plug was up.)

Because of how I was raised and how I see things-glass always half full with a hole on the side-people are drawn to me because of the humor. While working or in a class, I observe the people I am around. While I do learn their names, I pick up on little things they do or say, and give them nicknames in my head so it is easier to remember them. In one recent class there was a girl I called, 'The Like Factor.' In one 30 second commentary she made in the class, she said 'like'
14 times. There was another girl who was named Christy Brinkley so she was nicknamed 'The Brinkster.'

In a previous job, I was an operator for a large department store. Just before we opened one day I received a call from a sales associate on the floor who needed housekeeping. Housekeeping wasn't in yet so I asked how I could help. She spoke with more self control then I've ever seen,'I have a customer who lost her dog's glass eye yesterday and was wondering if housekeeping had vacuumed it up.' The following day, that associate received from an anonymous co-worker, a bag of shooter marbles.

My joker grandfather's favorite song was Opus 5, a wonderful swing song he enjoyed dancing to. He always joked that we would know if he was really dead by playing the song at his funeral and if his body didn't move, he was gone. So naturally, at his funeral, that story was told and the song was played. Over 500 sets of eyes stared intently at the casket, as we truly realized he was gone from this life.

It's no worse then my great aunt wanting to exhume her mother's body (who had been dead for 40 years) to see if the bracelet she was buried with was worth any money. Sick, yes. Sad? Could be...... if we didn't laugh."

Summer Vacations

In view of concerns about the price of gasoline we know that you many not be taking an out of town vacation this summer.  We have the deepest empathy and have thought long and hard about what the corporation could do to ease the burden.

As you are aware our busiest time is summer.  To have people on vacation causes us extra expense.  We have to hire temporary people to replace those on vacation.

Here's what we propose: Take your vacation during the winter months.  This would be an attractive time to learn how to snowboard.

Here is an additional incentive: We will not pay medical expenses for any accidents that occur during the summer. (Our records show that most accident occur in the summer while people are on vacation.)

Regardless of your  decision  we will continue to send a week's supply of candy kisses to you during your vacation to sustain the chocolate energy required when you  return to work.  (Remember that you have to pay the postage.)

Scheduled Outage

From time to time we schedule outages to work on system computers, programs, and our voice systems.  Contrary to some views it is not personal.

These are scheduled to bring our systems up to date, introduce new hardware and software, and perform routine maintenance......and of course to prevent future unscheduled outages.

Although it is not always apparent the phenomenon of system fatigue is real. We have scheduled one for 4 o'clock this afternoon. 

It has been cancelled.

Instead employees are encouraged to be creative---to think of what you would do without the systems.  To facilitate thinking outside the cubicle you are encouraged to meet in the company parking lot for beer and barbecue.

Selling Your Cubicle!

Does this sound absurd? Of course it isn't if you want to get ahead in your organization. You may want to be located close to the boss's office so that you can be seen and admired. This will necessitate selling your cubicle. In your flyer here are some selling points:

• Great view with window across the room
• Roomy
• Close to rest room
• Close to the water fountain
• Completely furnished---minimal theft to date
• Close to fire escape
• Cartoons on the wall
• One touch keyboard
• Good neighborhood
• Great design (good looking well built girl next door; hunk on the other wall)
• Has sub-prime loan

Have to see to appreciate. This won't last long.

Vista Coming!!

We are pleased to announce that we will be purchasing Vista Computers for the campus this fall. Because of budget restrictions, however, we will only be able to purchase about 25 per cent of our needs.

The first new computers will be assigned to the library and the Business department. Within a four year period we hope to be able to change out all the computers. The Art and Music Departments are scheduled for the 2012-2013 school year.

We are excited about the potential this will give us. In the transition there will be some problems but nothing that we cannot overcome.

First of all faculty and students will have to be very conscious of where they are sending attachments. If, for example, word attachments are going to non-Vista destinations they will have to be saved as non-Vista documents.

Part of this problem will be handled by counsellors. Most freshman will be coming to campus with new Vista computers. Counsellors will make every effort to have freshman students major in business administration to minimize the word document problem. Faculty facing this problem will be able to use one of the two new computers in the library.

In a related matter involving words, all computer users on campus are discouraged from participating in the Scrabble or Scrabulous games on the Internet. Our campus dictionary network is heavily challenged.

Mistakes of the Tongue (Organization Malapropisms)

His boss is a benevolent pictator.

All of our executives have emotional indulgence.

Ford employees are motorvated.

Engineers are particularly good at mathematics, particularly division and manipulation.

Team meetings build elaboration.

Earnings projections are geared to bottom lying

Auditors examine lie abilities on expense vouchers.

CEOS get golden parachutes with shock options

We have quality patrol people in our plant.

Who molded the cheese?

As the first female corporate executive she was taken at facial value.

One can also communicate with body anguish.

We have management by stalking around.

Our department head has never had any difficulty in making derisions.

The Role of Laughter and Humor

Humor workshop participant Melissa reports:

"The role of laughter has always been important in my life. I have had to raise five children as well as care for a disabled husband; without laughter life would have indeed been depressing at times. I use laughter as often as I can to dissuade arguments and make every stressful situation better.

It's the best medicine around. I used to brighten up my aging mother's mood often before she passed away and it still brings me a great deal of comfort knowing I made such a difference in her life.

The value of humor in connections is immeasurable. If you can make someone you are talking to smile, they will be much more receptive to your message. Whether personal or business to bring a smile to someone's face makes everyone feel better about any situation."

Summer Olympics Inspiration

Once again the Summer Olympics are setting the standards of excellence for all of us. Athletes from all over the world join the pageantry of color and achievement.

It is inspirational and causes us all to think of ways we can emulate them.

Surprisingly one way is through our footwear. And in the words of Nike many of you are already "just doing it."

Red, yellow, blue, green, even purple shoes adorn your feet as you walk or peddle bicycles to work to avoid the high price of gasoline in commuting. To say the least this is commendable.

In the spirit of the Olympics we want to remind you to always have at least one pair of black leather shoes in your cubicle for wear at work. (Being and acting professional remains a requirement here.)

Employee Surveys!

Not having an engaging workforce is not a priority for most U.S. companies a new study reveals. Opinion Research Corp reports that less than half (44 per cent) conduct employee surveys.

U.S. companies are doing slightly better than those in the U.K. About 43 percent of UK employees say they are given the opportunity to share their opinions on proposed changes compare with 62 percent of U.S. employees.

When asked to comment on these findings Melvin Smith, Director of Amalgamated Net said:
"I am shocked to hear this is is the case in so many companies. We want to hear from our employees. This is the fifteenth consecutive year we have conducted employee surveys."

He continued: "This year we are expanding this effort. We will read the results. Temporary employees have already been hired to do so."

Toe the Mark

John, a workshop participant tells us this story:

"I was working on the summer BLM fire crew with others in my home town. There was a flood in our area and a ranch hand got swept away. Well, we were sent out to help search for this poor guy. My brother, who also worked on the crew, is the one who ended up finding him.

After this incident management sent in a person who was to help with our feelings. Needless to say none of us felt traumatized enough to warrant the endless counselling we were receiving. It was nice of them to try and help us but we really did not need it.

The lady doing the counselling kept going on and on and kept trying to get us to get in touch with our feelings. We understood her concern but tried communicating most of the day that we were sorry it happened but we were not in great trauma. She kept trying to get us to reveal our deepest thoughts and it was getting to the point where we could not take any more.

After asking if anyone wanted to share a traumatizing event in their life, one of the guys said he would. In a most solemn tone he went on to tell how he was driving down a country road coming back from a fire patrol. He heard a siren and an ambulance came zooming by. Right about the time it blared by, he said he saw something wrapped in gauze fall out the back. The ambulance did not stop so he pulled over to investigate. He got out, went over to the gauze and slowly opened it.

With anxiety and nervousness in his voice he said he opened the gauze and could not believe what he saw. There was a bloody toe inside the gauze!

The counsellor, with a concerned look, in her most grave voice, then asked,'what did you do?'

My friend paused, gave a look of unease, and said, 'I called a toe truck.'

To say there was laughter is an understatement. Needless to say that was the end of our counselling session. Granted it was not the most polite thing to do but it was much needed. It was in no disrespect to the man who had passed on. I believe somewhere he was laughing as well."

Fat of the Land?

There is a new Japanese law which requires employers to combat obesity. The law went into effect April 1st. (April fool's day is not a recognized holiday in Japan.)

The law will force companies and governments, the two sources of health insurance in Japan to measure the body fat of employees between the ages of 40 and 74.

Employers may be required to pay more into the national health care system if the waistlines of employees, their families, and retirees exeed the government's limits.

Employers in Japan must reduce the number of employees who show symptoms of metabolic syndrome----obesity and high blood pressure, cholesterol and blood glucose.

Companies must reduce the number of obese employees by 10 per cent by 2012 and 25 per center by 2015.

In a related news release Toyota announced they will be purchasing additional businesses in the United States. They indicated that the restrictions on waistlines of employees in Japan---33.5 inches for men and 35.4 for women--will probably be expanded an "inch or so" for American employees.

Manifesttly Unimportant Numbers

To: Jeffrey Williams, President, Amalgamated

Subject: Manifestly Unimportant Numbers

It is getting toward the end of the year and a summary of what is happening here in our organization is appropriate. We had high hopes that some of the things we've been working on would straighten themselves out but it doesn't look as if that will be the case.

First it apears that the business may lose its favorable bond rating. Our Comptroller left the organization for the Canary Islands, and we are missing substantial amounts of money in bonds and equities.

It further appears that our plan of giving money to selected politicians is illegal and the local press has managed to find out about it.

Apparently one of our divisions has dumped considerable amounts of waste products in ten different rivers, and the Department of Environmental Quality and Department of Justice will make a joint announcement on the penalty very shortly.

Our engineering department is now talking to representatives of the EEOC in an effort to avoid charges of discrimination.

You may remember Annabell Jones. (How could you forget Annabel Jones?) She has filed a sexual harrassment suit against two of our middle managers.

We, of course, have faced adversities before, but we believe we will overcome these and drive on to bigger and better things in the years to come.

Sincerely,


Alex DuBest, Manager

PS Before you have a seizure I want you to know that none of the above has happened. What has happened is that our sales are 10 per cent below objective, and we wanted you to realize that, in view of what could have happened, these numbers are manifestly unimportant.


Excerpt from Laughing Nine to Five

Portland, OR--The City That Pedals

Memo to Employees:

We are announcing today that the City of Portland is replacing 100 motor vehicles with 100 bicycles. The motor vehicles will be donated to the county to be used in monitoring renewal projects.

Ten of the bicylces wil be equipped with a carriage for carrying a passenger. In the interest of wellness 2 people can take turns pedaling as an obesity control measure as well as energy enhancement device.

In keeping with the mission of the city an additional 10 bicycles will be 10 speed. (These will be reserved for the city council and their staffs.)

This does not change the policy with regards to employees meeting at coffee shops for breaks. No more than 3 City of Portland vehicles-autos and/or bicycles- should be at any coffee shop at the same time. (The fact that there is a diminishing number of available Starbucks is no excuse for changing the policy.)

"The Levity Effect"

The Economist reviews "The Levity Effect" by Adrian Gostickand Scott Christopher. A remarkable amount of evidence supports the argument that levity pays.

The authors explain: "Fun at work can provide a competitive advantage, help attract and retain employees, and provide the spark to jumpstart creativity." A fun workplace improves communication and morale, raises the level of employee trust, lowers employee turnover and increases profit.

Fun firms use a wide range of humor strategies. Intuit has a "fun committee" that organizes events such as potluck breakfasts and jeopardy games. AstraZeneca has a "fun department" that brings "funsters" to the firm to sing, distribute toys and tell jokes.

Another firm, which lists "fun" among its core values, hands-out "Walk the Talk" awards, a set of wind-up chattering teeth presented by the chief executive, accompanied by a kazoo band. KPMG, an accounting firm, holds online contests for staff (with great prizes), and gives away barbecue packs.

The best bet may be to hire people with a sense of humor. That was the philosophy of Herb Kelleher, the legendary boss of Southwest Airlines, an airline that is actually a pleasure to fly. One of his staff delivers one of the better and curiously timely lines in the book, "We're sorry for the delay, but our automated bag smasher is broken and we are having to break your bags by hand."

New Revenue Stream from Google

To all employees:

We are pleased to announce that we have a new business opportunity in partnership with Google.

Coincident with a federal judge's ruling, Google will release all user data on the viewing habits of its millions of worldwide viewers of You Tube.

With our extensive complementary  data base we will be able to forward this information----the employee users to their respective employers. We will  share compensation with Google on a nfpe (nominal fee per employee) basis.

This exciting new niche should provide a profitable revenue stream for us.  As a trial we will begin with our own employee base.  Starting tomorrow.

The Middle Child Strikes Again

It is profound to note here that your place of work is filled with oldest children, middle children, and  babies.  In my humor  class I ask students to identify where they were and what was funny about it.  This wonderful response came from Katrina:

"I was born at a very early age in life, as many were. I was the youngest. It was really fun being the youngest. I got to do anything my little heart desired, including biting, without consequence my two older sisters. My niche in life was being the youngest and used it to my every advantage.

One day while basking in my two year old little glory, my mother, the conniving joker of a woman she is, brought a baby home from who knows where. The brown hair baby girl suddenly took my spot ---as the youngest. I was the second youngest. This was still OK. Not perfect but it would do. My cute locks of gold flittered in the sun and my big blue eyes could still win anything.

After getting settled in my second youngest spot SHE DID IT AGAIN!! MY SISTER'S MOTHER BROUGHT HOME ANOTHER BABY.  The least she could have done was bring home a boy, but oh no...she brought a girl. Not just any girl, but one with blond hair and blue eyes.  Another version of me.  

And that is when the term 'youngest' was forever stricken from my title. The "Middle Child" was my new devastating title. Two older sisters, two younger sisters. Two older to manipulate and scar me, two younger to screech and get me grounded. It didn't dawn on me until later in life that my parents had always had it in for me.  The other children had sweet names like Aubry, Molly, Emily, and Shelly.  I was named Katrina in anticipation of the horrible hurricane to follow."

Management  note:  Be careful of  fellow employees in the workplace who are middle children---particularly if they have a great sense of humor.

Memo to Call Centers in India

This is to alert you that call volumes will be down on Friday. It is the 4th of July.  You may not even have many calls on Thursday. Why?  It is Independence Day in the United States and Americans celebrate early and long....particularly if a three day time off period is available.

Instead of taking out verbal pyrotechnics  on you because of the foibles of company products and services  which  you represent (and are trying to defend),  Americans will, for a short time,  be throwing real fire crackers and lighting sparklers.

All this is fine and good but the real problem is how should you spend your time when the volume of calls are down.  Here is our recommendation:  Study English!  We should be more specific study American English.

To help you with this effort we have assembled a number of American words along with their English (UK) counterparts---the first row being American:

Affirmative Action vs. positive discrimination

Airplane vs. fixed wing aircraft

Blood sausage vs. black pudding

Bobby pin vs. hair grip

Booger vs. bogey

Buddy vs. mate

Cellphone vs. mobile

Counterclockwise vs. anti-clockwise

Doohickey vs. wotsit

Duct tape vs. gafter tape

Dude vs. bloke

Flashlight vs. torch

Freshman vs. fresher

Garbage vs. rubbish

Green thumb vs. green fingers

Half-bath vs. WC

Play hookey vs. bunk off

Mom vs. mum

Mono vs. glandular fever

Overpass vs flyover

Stool pigeon vs. grasser

Trash can vs. dust bin

Undershirt vs. singlet

Windshield vs. windscreen

Y'all vs. youse

Popsicle vs. ice jolly

Plumber's crack vs. Builder's bum 

This will get you started. There will be a test on Monday.

Whitewashing Problems

Melissa, a humor in the workplace student, offers this example of how humor saved a situation and dissolved a crises:

"One time while painting my house, I sent my son up the ladder to paint the side trim. He had the whole gallon of paint that he was holding by the handle while making his way to the top of our three story house.

Just as he got to the top the handle broke and sprayed the opposing trim color all over the side of the newly painted house.

We could have been furious at the result but our humor saved the day; we busted out laughing and quickly got the hose and sprayed him as well as the house to fix the newly created problem."

Utah on Four Day Workweek

Energy costs have pushed Utah to move to a four day workweek. The governor's office estimate

that 1,000 of 3,000 state buildings will be closed on Fridays cutting energy costs by about 20 percent.

Governor Jon Huntsman announced the working 4 day initiative. Beginning in August, state government service hours will be extended from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Thursday. 

"We live in a dynamic, ever changing environment and it's crucial that we take a serious look at how we can adapt and maintain our state's unparalleled quality of life" said Huntsman in a statement about the program.

Editor's note: This also solves another Friday problem.  Employees will no longer be coming to work in scandalous clothing to celebrate Casual Fridays. 

The Answer Person

This formula made popular by the late Steve Allen has been used by other entertainers. We've come up with answers. All you need to do is think of questions that might fit the bill.

Following are some answers and in parenthesis some potential answers. My guess is that your answers are better than mine.

They don't like change. (Why do people like dollar bills?)

Just to do it. (Why do people jog?)

Hemlines are subject to change. (When will we get a raise?)

Disposal Diapers. (What smells bad and never goes away?)

Limit books to ten chapters. (How can publishers avoid chapter 11?)

Avoid hangups (How can we improve telemarketing?)

That's how the cookie crumbles. (What happens when you save money on ingredients?)

Just in Time (When do you think you will get married?)

We're on a roll. (When can we get more toilet tissue?)

They get hangovers. (What happens when managers tighten their belts?)



(Excertpt from Laughing Nine to Five.)

Bicycles, Sweat, and Showers

We are pleased to note that many employees are biking to work. However this is not without problems.

Although a real plus from an energy standpoint this has resulted in a heavy usage on company showers.  As a result of long lines, many employees end up being late to work. (One obvious requirement here is for employees to plan their bike and shower time appropriately,)

Adding additional showers is cost prohibitive.  One suggestion is that we double up---taking showers together. This innovative idea is now under consideration by management. 

Another suggestion is that employees shower every other day----using the last digit of their social security number---odd numbers on Monday, even on Tuesday...and so on. This has possibilities as long as employees remain in their cubicles on days they don't shower. (Office restrictions on the use of perfume and deodorant won't apply on those days.)

As a final note management will facilitate movement  by turning off the associated water heaters which will limit time in the showers and cut down our energy costs. This will also  get people back to work on time.

Who Do You Know in High Places?

Here are the responses from students in my Humor in the Workplace class:

God

My CEO (who thinks he is)

Chet. He has an office upstairs. 

My fried Doug used to live on the 8th floor of an apartment building. He moved so I don't know anyone now.

My mom lives on Mt. Hood.

Being a groundskeeper I insist on staying on the ground. 

Some people in the housing authority.

My boy friend is 6'5". (Does that count?)

My fellow worker knows the vice-president's wife which scares our boss.

Copy Machine Useage

One of the exercises in our Humor in the Workplace class*  is to write a memo using humor as a device.  Here's one from Jennifer:

"To All Employees:

It is strictly prohibited to photo copy your fanny on the corporate copy machine. Anyone caught sitting on the glass will be fired immediately.

Today while I was making copies of the board meeting packet a photocopy of someone's tush got collated in the middle of the packet without me catching it. As a result, page 19 of the board packet was a picture of someone's paisley underwear. I can assure you that the board was not amused.

In order to keep this horrible act from happening again, I have asked the copy machine to place an alarm on the glass that detects items weighing more than a piece of paper. If you are the one who thinks it's funny to make lewd copies, you will be caught. A loud siren will be heard throughout the building letting everyone know what you are doing. 

If you have any questions see me immediately. Don't be caught with your pants down."

*(Actual courses taught on line at Portland (OR) Community College and Clark College (Vancouver WA)

Grave Humor

Humor exists everywhere. Witness this story told by Dr. Joel Goodman:

A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend's new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was delighted to see a beautiful floral arrangement. However, he was more than distressed when he read the card that had accompanied the flowers----it read "Rest in Peace."

He made a beeline to the flower shop and immediately started chewing out the florist.  

After the shouting had subsided, the florist reassured him by saying, "Hey don't worry! Just think...some where today in this city, someone was buried beneath some flowers that read, 'Good luck in your new location!'"

(Excerpt from Laughing Nine to Five)

Oil Change Coming!

To All Employees:

Before we announce a forthcoming major change we want to review with you  some characteristic ways people in our organization have responded to change in the past.  Consider if you have been fighting change in one or all of the following ways:

• You're trying to slow things down
• You're working hard to control the uncontrollable
• You're playing the role of victim
• You're hoping someone else can make things better for you
• You're ducking new assignments
• You're absolutely paralyzed like a deer in the headlights

We thought it wise to have you review these before the next change so that you can eliminate these from your thinking.  And now to the change:

Effective July 1st all plastic knifes, forks, spoons, plates, and cups will be eliminated in all company eating areas.  They will be replaced by normal cutlery and china.

This will be a major effort in our energy program i.e.  eliminating products made with oil.

Management

Solving the Listening Problem

Management consultants tell us that we must do a better job of listening to our employees. They feel that employees  have a better handle on what customers are saying or thinking.  They emphasize listening  actively rather than passively.  Managers should drop what they are doing and pay attention.

When reviewing these findings with managers they say it sounds good but in the real world it is not practical.  They believe they are too busy putting out fires and meeting due dates and supervising employees.  There is of course a good amount of truth to what they are saying.

We have given much thought to this and believe we have a solution that will work for managers and employees.   We are ordering 50 suggestion boxes that will be placed near copy machines, rest rooms, cafeterias, and  water fountains.  To distinguish between other boxes, waste baskets, etc.  they will be distinctive. They will be painted red.

Employees should type their suggestions---preferably double spaced---and leave them in the convenient suggestion boxes.  There is one caveat:  If your suggestions  go beyond one page do not use staples or paper clips.  This causes problems for our paper shredder.

(An added thought from our environmental group: Do not use colored paper. Some colors are not bio-degradable.)

Exciting New Management Theories

There are exotic new management programs coming your way.  We feel compelled to tell you about them so that you will be on the ground floor.  These theories come from graduate schools which are later refined by Management Consulting Firms. 

As soon as you hear that your managers are attending a new training program you must get yourself ready for what they bring back to you. For the moment though we will let you know what programs are under consideration.

They will be introduced with the words: "Management by.....":

• Abrasion: Employees will wear down and do what you tell them 
• Accident:  The emphasis will be on reaction rather than action
• Conjecture: Inferences will be based upon incomplete evidence. (What management has learned from the war.)
• Damage Control: New procedures introduced by our Accounting Department
• Entrapment: Reducing employee benefits on a gradual basis
• Euphemism: The substitution of mild terms for all actions, e.g. wellness enhancement
• Exception: Will concentrate efforts on finding things that don't work (coordinated with existing program of assessing blame)
• Hierarchy:  Re-acquainting employees with higher management by use of pictures on playing  cards
• Hysteria: A new focus on the value of shredders
• Make Believe:  A new spin on last quarter results
• Pittance:  The introduction of new pay scales
• Retrenchment: Multi-tasking with a new name
• Spot Check:  A new quality inspection program adapted from the dry-cleaning industry
• Surprise: A new program featuring  listening to employees

We fear that we have not listed all the programs that are on the way.  We need your help in keeping up to date.  If, for example, you see a large shipment of new binders for management send us an email.  (fahlman.clyde@gmail.com)

Laughter and Health

Hippocrates,   father of medicine, insisted that medical students give full weight  to the emotions, both as a contributing cause of disease as well as a factor in recovery.

Medical researchers at many medical centers have been studying the effects of laughter on the human body and have discovered a wide array of beneficial changes, all the way from enhanced respiration to increases in the number of disease fighting immune cells.

Jane Brody, personal health column writer for the New York Times reports that laughter's impact on cardiovascular and respiratory functions are of particular note:

"When one is laughing hard, normal breathing rhythm is disrupted.  Inhalation and expiration become more spasmodic as well as deeper. Heart rate, blood pressure, and muscular tension increase, but when laughter subsides, these levels often drop temporarily to below normal, leaving one very relaxed. Hence the expression 'weak with laughter' to describe someone who has laughed hard and long.

The sense of relaxation lasts about 45 minutes after the last laugh and may be beneficial in countering heart disease, high blood pressure and depression. Given these benefits, proponents of laughter therapy jokingly call it ho-ho-holistic medicine."

So the next time your boss remarks about "too much laughter around here" advise her that you are trying to save the company money on health benefits.

Dress Code---HR at work?

Gina, a humor in the workplace student, presents this memo based upon an actual discussion with HR:

"We would like to encourage everyone to dress according to their salary.

If we see you wearing very expensive shoes from well known designers or, for example, sporting a Louis Vuitton purse we will have to assume that you are financially well off and that you don't need a salary raise.

On the other hand, if you dress poorly, we will understand that you are having problems managing your money and need to learn how to manage it better and to avoid stressing you more, we won't increase your salary either

Finally, wearing average clothing will mean to us that you are working at the right place with no necessity of a better salary."

Once again we note that a logic deficiency does not preclude employment in HR.

Perfume Wars Resolution

It has come to our attention  that many women in the office are preoccupied with the wearing of perfume at work----some have gone so far as to declare it as perfume wars.

The odd piece of this controversy is that no men seem to be involved----management has yet to hear any complaints from men.

There has been some speculation as to why this might be the case.

1. Women have a better sense of smell.  (After extensive studies using various cheeses there is no noticeable difference.)
2. Women who wear perfume are perceived as being more immoral than those who do not. (There is no evidence---even anecdotal----that this is case. Our managers have made a concerted effort to determine if this is the case.)
3. The charge has been made that perfume hinders communication----the smell permeates cubicles precluding visitation by others. (Our studies show that there has been no decrease in communication---emails are at an all time high.)
4. Women who wear perfume have been said to have an unfair advantage in attracting men.  When asked if this is the case men unanimously said "Huh?"

Regardless of the rationale here this appears to be a serious problem that requires resolution.

In this effort we have appointed an all male committee to study the question for a year.  

By no means do we presume to prejudge their findings but because of their objective look at the problem don't be surprised if they come up with a list of acceptable perfumes----based upon their names and bottle shapes (the normal criteria men use in selecting perfumes for women.)

Handling Exit Interviews!

Let's imagine for a moment that you lost your job because of layoffs, re-structuring, the boss's spouse, or for no reason at all.

Your organization may have exit interviews. (You can check this out in something called a HR handbook. HR means Human Reductions.) If they do you can restore your self esteem quickly.

Try these possibilities:

• I'm glad it happened. Now I can concentrate on selling my poetry.
• The hours of work didn't work out with my boyfriend.
• The office was stuffy and the view was not good.
• No eligible men
• My live-in moved out so my expenses went down
• I want to work someplace where I don't make so much money
• I'm going to win the lottery this summer
• My supervisor expected me to work even when it was inconvenient for me
• I didn't want to stay here so long that it would be possible for me to file an age discrimination suit
• I didn't have time to make entries in my diary
• I got a rash every time I got within ten feet of another employee---she was my supervisor

(Excerpt from Laughing Nine to Five)

Keeping Employees Youthful Memo

We are always on the lookout for projects that will enhance our attractiveness to customers and stockholders. It would seem that considering employee benefits in the same breath would be counterproductive.  

This is absolutely not the case. What's good for customers and stockholders is good for employees as well.  But this is more than a trickle down theory.

In a recent marketing survey we have learned that customers respond very well to employees who are active, cheerful, and youthful.  This is supported by responses from stockholders to company reports featuring pictures of our youthful employees, smiling as they do their work.

This would seem to be a solid argument for hiring only the young in our business. We do that. But even new employees get old over a period of time.

So we have taken a solid look at our benefits package. It has been surmised that we could offer early retirements to older employees. This is out of the question. It would be much too expensive.

Brainstorming the problem has led us to a benefit package enhancement:  After a $100 deductible, all employees over 40 will have free botox injections. 

It is the well considered judgement of management that this will insure our corporate vitality.

New Memo from OPEC

To Cartel Members:

Please don't forget that we are in business to make money

We are fully aware that the price per barrel of oil decreased several dollars recently. We urge you to not decrease production to make up for it.  This would create a public relations problem for us-- particularly with the United States. (This we know is not a normal concern but there are politicians in Washington who unrealistically are demanding we actually increase production.)

Here is our recommendation. Wait until summer. This is when US congress plans to reduce gasoline taxes for three months. At that time we can reduce production and again increase the price per barrel. To consumers there won't be any changes in prices but the blame will naturally fall on the failure to open oil fields in Alaska.

At the end of the summer we won't need to worry about oil prices rising because they will be blamed upon the resumption of the gas tax.  And by that time congressmen will be working on short term matters to get elected. 

We feel confident with this strategy we will continue to keep everyone over a barrel.

A Crummy Place to Work?

If you have work humor like the satirical piece that follows  your organization is in real trouble. Quit. (Note that I have not identified the organization. I can tell you that a copy could be found in every copy machine in the business.)

EMPLOYEE SALE: That's right friends. You heard it here first. It will cost us too much to lay them off so WE'RE SELLING THEM.

We must get down to our new one employee per business unit goal, and you can help us. All races, creeds, colors, religions, sexes, and sexual orientations available.

YOU SAY YOU WANT NEW?  We've got 'em. Employees with low mileage---high performance and a lot of years left.

YOU SAY YOU WANT OLD RELIABLES? We've got 'em. The paint is a little gray and they grumble a little but they've seen it all and keep on working.

We've been laying these employees off for years and losing all that severance pay. Now you can help us make a little money in the process.

So come one, come all to the first annual employee sale. (Buy two and get a free IPOD)

A Course Called Humor in the Workplace?

There are more standup comics then there have ever been. People actually make a living as humor consultants. College courses in humor have made humorology a legitimate, almost respectable, field of study. Paradoxically, in the world of work, less humor exists.

Where has the humor gone? It existed once. It was not a scarce resource. Humor and laughter has trickled to nothing or gone underground in the last two decades. Why the change? Here are the answers from the workplace---participants in management classes and workshops:

(1)There isn't much to laugh about in many organizations. The job security issue is real. The threat or actuality of layoffs, downsizing, and/or outsourcing permeates. Although one can be amused at CEO salaries, which are nearly 300 times average employee salaries, there just aren't a lot of belly laughs there.

(2)Many managers have returned to the sweatshop mentality. "Humor and laughter are not productive" they say, ignoring all evidence to the contrary. This philosophy has always existed, but now with with today's spin--the global economy ---it is retuning as the default management style.

(3)There exists an element of political correctness that has made all humor suspect. Undeniability there are inappropriate types of humor in the workplace that are based upon the disparagement of others---gender, race, ethnic, and religion just to name a few. In those areas as well as others, the use of humor to hurt others is not appropriate anywhere. This being said, however, it appears that people are discarding the natural situational humor as well as the harmful.

This sounds desperate.

It is.
,
Hence the reason I teach a course on humor and laughter and have written a book on the subject. I promise you, however, in this blog that I will peddle humor and laughter and maybe some satire from time to time but not my book. Cheers and jest wishes.

Situational Humor?

What makes you laugh?

Normally situational humor.....something spontaneous.....It may not be funny in the telling to someone not there. The following might be an exception:

John Maxwell, author of the 360 Leader, tells this story:

"I love the story of Karl who enjoyed a good laugh at his office after he attached a small sign to his door which read: "i'm the Boss."

The laughter was even louder when he returned from lunch and saw that someone had made an addition to his sign. Next to it was a yellow Post-it note on which someone had scribbled: "Your wife called and said she wants her sign back."


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